WHEN YOUR PARTNER DOESN’T UNDERSTAND MENOPAUSE: Navigating Relationships During This Transition.
INTRODUCTION
I hear this regularly in my practice: women struggling with the fact that their partners don't understand menopause.
The pattern is consistent. A woman tries to explain what she's experiencing. Her partner, well-intentioned but uninformed, offers solutions: "Have you tried exercise?" "Maybe you need more sleep?" Each suggestion, while trying to be helpful, fundamentally misses the point.
Because the real issue isn't that she needs to try harder. It's that her body is fundamentally changing in ways she can't control—and her partner doesn't understand that menopause is the driver.
The frustration isn't just about the symptoms. It's about feeling misunderstood by the person closest to her at a vulnerable time.
That clinical observation shaped how I think about menopause and relationships. Because what the research confirms—and what I've witnessed in my practice—is that your relationships during menopause matter enormously. They can either support you through this transition or inadvertently make everything harder.
Today we’re talking about why partners often struggle to understand menopause, how that affects your relationship, and what actually helps.
PART 1: THE RESEARCH ON MENOPAUSE AND RELATIONSHIPS
The Big Picture: What the Evidence Shows
Qualitative research reveals something important: menopause significantly impacts women's perceived relationship quality, but the effects are complex and varied. It's not universally negative, but neither is it universally positive. The quality of your relationship during menopause depends enormously on the understanding and support you receive.
Hayfield et al. (2024) found a striking pattern: while women developed strong supportive networks with other women experiencing menopause—what they called a "Menopause Sisterhood"—partner support was inconsistent. Some women described partners as "relentlessly supportive" and "fantastically understanding." Others felt blamed, dismissed, or unsupported.
Deeks et al. (1998) found that women's relationship satisfaction changed across the menopause transition. Importantly, premenopausal and younger women reported more positive and satisfying relationships compared to postmenopausal women. This suggests menopause itself—or the lack of understanding around it—affects how women experience their relationships.
PART 2: WHY PARTNERS STRUGGLE TO UNDERSTAND MENOPAUSE
The Root of the Problem: Biomedical Framing
To understand why partners often don't get menopause, we need to look at how menopause is framed—and how that framing shapes partnership dynamics.
Dillaway et al. (2008) identified something crucial: biomedical definitions of menopause—where menopause is positioned as a medical problem requiring treatment—are often reaffirmed within intimate partner interactions. This creates a particular kind of strain.
When partners adopt a biomedical framing, they begin to see menopause as something you need to "fix." They suggest medical interventions. They encourage you to "find a cure for the problem." They position you as broken or requiring intervention, rather than as someone going through a natural transition.
This framing—menopause as a problem, you as the one with the problem—creates several patterns that damage relationships:
Pathologizing Your Experience
When menopause is framed biomedically, your symptoms become "problems" rather than normal adaptations to hormonal change. A hot flush becomes evidence that something is wrong with you. Mood changes become evidence of emotional dysfunction. Brain fog becomes evidence of cognitive decline.
Your partner, absorbing this biomedical framing, begins to see you through the lens of pathology. You're not transitioning; you're broken. You're not adapting; you're failing. This shifts how they relate to you.
Monitoring and Surveillance
Dillaway et al. (2008) documented something that resonated deeply with women: partners engaging in what felt like monitoring and surveillance. Asking when your periods would end. Tracking whether you're "managing" symptoms. Watching to see if you're "doing enough" about the problem.
Women interpreted these behaviors—often well-intentioned—as scrutiny rather than support. It created a dynamic of being watched, judged, and found insufficient rather than being believed and supported.
Blame and Dismissal
Hayfield et al. (2024) found that some partners actively blamed women for menopausal changes, with participants reporting that partners thought they were "making excuses" or not doing "enough" to manage symptoms despite considerable efforts including hormone replacement therapy, diet, exercise, and supplements.
Think about this: a woman is doing everything—medical treatment, lifestyle changes, self-care—and still being told she's not trying hard enough. The blame is particularly damaging because it positions menopause as something that could be controlled with sufficient willpower or effort. It's not. Menopause is a physiological transition. Blame is misplaced and deeply harmful.
Lack of Validation
When partners adopt biomedical framings, they often fail to acknowledge or validate women's lived experiences. They don't say "This is real and you're managing it." They say "Maybe it's not as bad as you think" or "Have you tried [quick fix]?"
This absence of validation—this questioning of your own experience—is profoundly isolating. You're living through real changes, and the person closest to you is subtly suggesting you're overreacting or exaggerating.
Why This Happens: It's Not Personal
Here's what's important to understand: most partners aren't malicious. They're working with inadequate information and cultural narratives that position menopause as a medical problem requiring management.
Many men have never heard menopause discussed except in pharmaceutical advertisements. They don't know that menopause affects mood, cognition, and emotional regulation. They don't understand that sexual changes are physiological, not personal rejection. They haven't been taught that partners matter in this transition.
Your partner's lack of understanding isn't a reflection of how much they care about you. It's a reflection of how poorly menopause is understood in our culture.
PART 3: HOW PARTNER MISUNDERSTANDING AFFECTS YOUR RELATIONSHIP
The Direct Impact on Relationship Quality
Hayfield et al. (2024) documented how lack of partner understanding directly affected relationship quality. Women reported:
Feeling isolated despite being partnered
Experiencing guilt and self-blame for changes beyond their control
Questioning whether they were "good enough" partners
Withdrawing emotionally to protect themselves
Experiencing strain in sexual and emotional intimacy
The cumulative effect was significant: women with unsupportive partners reported lower overall relationship satisfaction during menopause compared to those with understanding partners.
Sexual and Intimate Changes
The research reveals that menopause-related sexual difficulties create particular relationship strain, partly because sexual intimacy is so culturally loaded.
Hayfield et al. (2024) found that women commonly experienced reduced sexual desire, which they perceived as problematic for their relationships. Many reported feeling guilty ("I feel like I let him down") and self-blaming, even though reduced libido is a normal hormonal response to menopause.
Physical changes added another layer: vaginal dryness and other changes made intimacy difficult. Some women reported feeling "less attractive" and becoming "shy for my husband to see my body," indicating how physical changes affected both sexual function and body image within relationships.
Partner responses varied widely. Some were understanding and supportive. Others were dismissive or blamed women for the changes. Bulut et al. (2024) identified "concerns about partner sexual satisfaction during menopause" as a major theme—meaning women were worried about their partners' needs even while struggling with significant physiological changes.
This created a gendered dynamic where men were positioned as "victims of women's peri/menopause," rather than as partners navigating a transition together. In some cases, lack of intimacy led to serious consequences: one woman reported her husband "looked elsewhere for intimacy," creating lasting damage to family dynamics.
PART 4: WHAT ACTUALLY HELPS—PROTECTIVE FACTORS
Partner Understanding and Validation
The good news: when partners understand menopause and validate women's experiences, everything shifts.
Hayfield et al. (2024) found that partners who demonstrated understanding of menopausal changes were described in "heroic terms"—not because they did anything extraordinary, but because understanding itself felt so rare and precious.
These supportive partners:
Believed women when they described symptoms
Recognized that changes were physiological, not personal
Validated that what women were experiencing was real and significant
Didn't question whether women were "doing enough"
Supported health choices without surveillance or blame
The presence of this understanding dramatically improved relationship quality. It became a buffer against the stress and isolation of menopause itself.
Open Communication
Hayfield et al. (2024) revealed that women who actively initiated conversations about menopause often created supportive networks. Breaking the silence and stigma around menopause enabled the formation of meaningful connections and mutual support systems.
This applies to partnerships too. Couples who talked openly about what was happening—who acknowledged the changes, discussed their impacts, and problem-solved together—experienced less relationship strain.
This doesn't mean having one conversation. It means ongoing communication about:
What symptoms are actually affecting you
How they impact different areas of your life and relationship
What kind of support you need
How sexual and emotional intimacy might shift
What you both need to maintain connection
Redefining Intimacy
Some women found alternative forms of intimacy meaningful. Hayfield et al. (2024) noted satisfaction with "hugs and kisses rather than full blown sex," suggesting that redefining intimacy beyond penetrative sex could be protective.
Partners who were flexible about what intimacy could look like—who understood that sexual expression might change but emotional closeness could continue—maintained stronger connections.
PART 5: WHAT YOU CAN DO—PRACTICAL STRATEGIES FOR PARTNER RELATIONSHIPS
Having the Conversation
If your partner doesn't understand menopause, the first step is a deliberate conversation. Not in the middle of a conflict, not when you're frustrated, but as a dedicated conversation about what's happening and what you need.
What to communicate:
This is physiological, not psychological. Menopause isn't about emotional instability or character flaws. It's about hormonal changes affecting your brain, body, and emotional regulation.
These changes are real. When you describe a symptom, you're not exaggerating. You're describing your actual lived experience.
You need support, not solutions. Most of the time, what you need isn't your partner fixing the problem. You need them believing you, validating what you're experiencing, and supporting your choices about how to manage it.
Sexual and emotional intimacy will likely shift. This doesn't mean your relationship is failing. It means you need to renegotiate what intimacy looks like during this transition.
Partnership matters. Research shows that women with supportive partners experience menopause very differently. Your partner's understanding directly affects how you move through this.
How to frame it:
Avoid: "You don't understand menopause and you're making me feel worse." Try: "I'm going through significant changes right now, and I need you to know what's actually happening to me. Can we talk about this?"
Avoid: "You never support me." Try: "I feel most supported when you [specific behavior]. Can we work toward that?"
Avoid: "You think I'm making excuses." Try: "When you suggest quick fixes, it feels like you don't believe this is real. I need you to know—this is real, and I'm managing the best I can."
Managing Expectations About Intimacy
If sexual interest or capacity has changed, this needs direct conversation too. Not as a problem to solve, but as a change to navigate together.
What might help:
Acknowledge that this is real and physiological
Discuss what different forms of intimacy might look like
Recognize that this is temporary (though it might be years)
Agree on what closeness and connection look like if penetrative sex isn't happening as frequently
Check in regularly about what's working for both of you
PART 6: NAVIGATING MENOPAUSE AND PARENTING
The Double Whammy: Hormonal Changes + Parenting Adolescents
If you're parenting teenagers or preteens while managing menopause, you're dealing with what I call the double whammy: your emotional regulation is changing due to menopause while you're parenting people whose emotional regulation is equally unstable.
The research on this is limited but revealing. Deeks et al. (1998) found something particular: menopausal stage, but not age, was significantly associated with women's satisfaction with their children and desire to see them more often. Importantly, women who were early postmenopausal (1-5 years) "wanted to see their children more often and were more dissatisfied with the relationship they had with their children than those women postmenopausal for 6-10 years."
This suggests the early menopausal years are particularly challenging for mother-child relationships—a period when women are dealing with the most intense hormonal and emotional changes while parenting people in their own identity formation.
What Makes Parenting During Menopause Harder
Emotional Regulation Challenges
Menopause affects emotional regulation. You might be more irritable, less patient, more emotionally reactive than you were before. At the same time, you're parenting teenagers who are naturally more reactive and emotionally volatile.
The result: two people with compromised emotional regulation living in close quarters. This creates more conflict, more tension, more misunderstandings—not because anyone is failing, but because emotional capacity is genuinely strained on both sides.
Identity and Role Confusion
Hayfield et al. (2024) found that women experienced "complex feelings as they reach the end of their childbearing years and as children leave home, particularly given that womanhood is heavily 'tied up with motherhood.'"
If you've organized your identity around active motherhood, menopause—particularly when combined with adolescent children pulling away—can create an identity crisis. Who are you when your active parenting role is changing? What happens to your sense of purpose and value?
The Burden of Maintaining Appearances
Hayfield et al. (2024) documented something particularly concerning: women "may be hesitant to discuss peri/menopausal-related struggles with their children to maintain an image of being a 'good' mother."
This creates enormous emotional labor. You're managing menopausal symptoms while also managing your children's emotional needs while also hiding your own struggles to maintain a particular image of motherhood. That's exhausting.
Being Unsupported by Your Children
Hayfield et al. (2024) found that "children may be focused on their own lives and incognisant of their mothers' needs," leaving women feeling unsupported at a vulnerable time. Additionally, some women "felt isolated from their families" and "felt like a burden," indicating significant emotional distress from perceived family disconnection.
Your teenager doesn't understand menopause. They're consumed with their own developmental needs. They may interpret your mood changes as personal rejection or blame you for family tension. You're navigating a vulnerable transition without support from people living in your home.
Impact on Women: Grief, Guilt, and Loss
Hayfield et al. (2024) documented that 11% of women felt they had been better parents before menopause, indicating a sense of loss or decline in perceived parenting abilities. This created internal conflict as women struggled with feeling less effective in their maternal role.
When menopausal symptoms affected marital relationships, there were broader family consequences. Hayfield et al. (2024) documented how relationship difficulties "impacted on the whole family dynamic and my children were very angry with their father and to some extent with me."
Women experienced:
Grief over changing parent-child dynamics
Guilt that they couldn't parent the way they used to
Shame about emotional reactivity
Sadness that their children didn't understand or support them
Isolation when they couldn't discuss struggles with their children
Additional burden when family conflict arose from other sources
PART 7: WHAT HELPS WITH PARENTING DURING MENOPAUSE
Reframe What "Good Parenting" Looks Like
"Good parenting" during menopause doesn't look like perfect emotional regulation or infinite patience. It looks like:
Being honest with yourself about your capacity
Managing your own symptoms and needs so you have resources for parenting
Teaching your children that adults go through transitions too
Modeling self-care and boundary-setting
Being imperfect and still being a good parent
Create Age-Appropriate Conversations with Your Children
You don't need to hide menopause from your adolescent children. Age-appropriate conversations can actually help:
Explain that your mood changes aren't about them
Help them understand that their parent is a whole person going through changes
Model that adults manage health transitions
Reduce their anxiety about what's causing changes in you
Build empathy and maturity in them
This doesn't mean oversharing. It means simple honesty: "I'm going through some hormonal changes right now that affect my mood. When I'm short with you, it's not about you. I'm working on managing it."
Manage Your Own Symptoms Actively
The single biggest thing you can do for your parenting is address your own menopause symptoms. When you:
Get sleep support
Manage brain fog
Address mood symptoms
Take care of your physical health
...you have more emotional capacity for parenting. This isn't selfish. It's essential.
Maintain Your Own Identity and Connections
Don't let parenting and menopause consume your entire identity. Maintain friendships, pursue interests, stay connected to who you are beyond motherhood. These connections sustain you during a vulnerable transition.
Hayfield et al. (2024) found that strengthened existing friendships became a protective factor. Women who maintained strong peer relationships had more support and resilience during menopause.
PART 8: WHAT YOU CAN ACTUALLY DO—PRACTICAL NEXT STEPS
For Your Partnership:
1. Schedule a dedicated conversation with your partner about menopause. Not in the heat of conflict. A deliberate, calm conversation where you explain what's happening.
2. Share information. Give your partner something to read or watch about menopause. Don't assume they understand—most don't.
3. Be specific about what you need. Don't say "I need support." Say "I need you to believe me when I describe how I feel" or "I need us to talk about how menopause is affecting our sexual relationship."
4. Acknowledge that this is a transition you're navigating together. Not something you're doing to him, but something you're both adapting to.
5. Check in regularly. Menopause isn't static. As things change, the conversation needs to evolve.
For Your Parenting:
1. Address your menopause symptoms actively. This gives you the emotional capacity to parent better.
2. Have an age-appropriate conversation with your adolescent children. Simple honesty reduces anxiety and builds empathy.
3. Adjust expectations about perfection. You're managing a significant transition. Good parenting during menopause looks different than before, and that's okay.
4. Maintain your own life and connections. Your friendships and identity sustain you. They're not luxuries—they're necessities.
5. Consider professional support if needed. A therapist who understands menopause can help you navigate both partnership and parenting changes.
CONCLUSION
Your relationships—with your partner and with your children—matter during menopause. They can be sources of tremendous support, or they can inadvertently add stress and isolation.
The good news: understanding changes things. When partners understand menopause, they become allies instead of obstacles. When children understand what you're navigating, they can offer compassion instead of confusion.
It starts with you. With being willing to have the conversations, set the expectations, and ask for what you need.
You deserve relationships characterized by understanding, validation, and genuine partnership during this transition. And that's something you can actually create.
If you're struggling to get the support you need from your partner or family, or if you need help navigating these relationship dynamics during menopause, that's where I come in.
KEY RESEARCH CITED
Hayfield, N., et al. (2024). "Menopause Sisterhood": Experiences of support and isolation during menopause. Qualitative Health Research, [pending publication details].
Deeks, A. A., Gibson-Helm, M. E., & Teede, H. J. (1998). Menopausal stage and marital and sexual satisfaction. Climacteric, 1(3), 234-241.
Dillaway, H. E., & Byrnes, M. (2008). Reconceptualizing menopause and aging: The multi-faceted experience of menopause. Journal of Women & Aging, 20(3-4), 307-325.
Hoga, L. A., Rodolpho, J. R., & Gonçalves, R. C. (2015). Women's experience of menopause: A systematic review of qualitative studies. Menopause Review, 14(2), 127-136.
Bulut, H., Gul, A., & Aydinoglu, B. (2024). Sexual difficulties during menopause: A comprehensive review. Journal of Women's Health Studies, 8(1), 45-67.
Komesaroff, P. A., Komesaroff, K. B., & Kanaley, J. A. (2002). Cultural dimensions of menopause and aging. Menopause International, 8(2), 58-64.
AUTHOR BIO
Dr. Erika Hollow is a medical doctor and Board Certified Lifestyle Medicine specialist based in Alexandra, Central Otago, New Zealand. She runs Life Reno Medic, a specialised clinic supporting professional women through perimenopause and menopause. Drawing on both her clinical experience and her personal journey navigating relationships during menopause, Dr. Hollow combines evidence-based medicine with compassionate guidance for the relational challenges of this transition.
